The Words He Cannot Say
by VTPM
Summary: (KakuHida modern AU/side pairing of SasoDei) His worst fear; being alone. After the loss of his immediate family, Hidan's life falls apart, and it doesn't help when his only friends are leaving the state for a while. The last thing he expected was to make a connection with his new neighbor. (Warnings for depression and language)
1. Chapter 1

_A/N: So this is just going to be a short story, no more than 5 chapters I'm assuming, of a modern AU that takes place in the U.S. [haven't really decided on a state yet oops] But anyways, this is mostly world building in this chapter; backstory and interactions will come next chapter, so if this seems like a slow start, yeah, sorry, things'll pick up next update. So anyhoo, hope you enjoy!_

* * *

 _Ring~ Ring~_

He scowled at the cheery ringtone of the cell on his bedside table. He didn't need to check the caller ID to know who it was, though he made no move to pick the device up, instead letting it go to voice mail.

About a minute passed before the annoying ringing filled his ears again, worsening his already splitting headache.

Grimacing to himself, Hidan blindly felt for the drawer on his table and opened it, then knocked the cell phone in and slammed the drawer shut, hoping that would at least muffle the sounds of the incessant calls.

Over the course of the next ten minutes, six more unanswered calls were added to his list before the single, and much less annoying ding of a text message sounded from inside the drawer.

 _Fucking hell..._

Deciding if it would stop any further calls and still prevent him from having to talk, Hidan decided to respond to the text. Typing one or two word responses would be a lot easier than getting stuck in a conversation.

Lifting his head grudgingly from his pillow, he pulled open the drawer again and grabbed the phone, ignoring all the voice messages and looking at the newest text.

 _Sasori: If you're near your phone, just answer him already. He's worried sick._

"Damnit..." Hidan mumbled, rolling onto his back and dialing in his friend's number.

The first ring barely went through before the call was answered.

"Hidan, un! Why haven't you been answering my calls?! Don't scare me like that, yeah?!"

"I haven't answered because I don't want to talk to you, asshole," He replied bluntly, staring blankly at the still ceiling fan above him.

Deidara sighed on the other side of the line. "I know, I know... But you need to talk to someone. It's not healthy for you to lock yourself up like this, un."

"I thought you were an artist, not a therapist," Hidan commented dryly.

"Well, yes, but-"

Hidan cut him off, "Then don't act like you know shit about this. I'm fine, so just leave me alone." Those weren't the words he wanted to say, but they were easier than saying what he truly felt.

Deidara hesitated before murmuring, "Alright..." When Hidan didn't respond, he added, "You have to go back to work today, don't you?"

The silver haired man groaned and pressed his free hand over his face. "Don't remind me..."

"Just be careful, yeah? And take care of yourself. Oh, and-"

Hidan hung up on him before he finished, deciding it was just more meaningless shit people said when their friends needed comfort. He learned the hard way those things don't work on him.

A minute later, his cell went off with another text notification, though he opted against checking it. It was probably just more encouraging words from Deidara or a scolding from Sasori for hanging up on the blonde. Either way, he didn't care. He did appreciate their efforts, though it only made him feel worse when he didn't get the comfort they hoped he'd get from it.

 _What a fucking disappointment I am..._

After several more minutes, he finally found the ability to push himself out of bed, and stumbled downstairs and through the living room to the kitchen, where he stopped at the doorway and looked blankly at the empty room, devoid of it's usual activity and noise.

 _Why wasn't it me..?_

He shook his head to clear it and contemplated getting something to eat, though immediately remembered his lack of appetite over the past week and decided it wasn't worth the trouble. Instead he turned and made his way back upstairs to the bathroom to shower.

Once he finished, dried, and changed, he frowned at the reflection in the partially steamed up mirror. His hair was still damp and hung in his face, bits of it sticking to his forehead, and dark circles were under his eyes, made more prominent by his usual pale skin.

Hidan sighed. "That's what I get for not sleeping for nearly a week..."

He opened his cupboard and grabbed a brush and a small jar of concealer. He always had some handy to cover any visible scars from the rituals of his rather odd religion. It wasn't one most people new about, but he was passionate about it despite Deidara's protests to him practicing it.

He twisted the lid of the jar off and blended the concealer over the spots under his eyes until they were covered over and appeared to have never existed. Satisfied, he put it away and brushed his shoulder length hair of all the knots, though left it down instead of slicking it back. He couldn't make himself care enough to do that at the moment.

Hidan went back downstairs, though a sudden wave of dizziness came over him when he was only halfway down, forcing him to stop and lean on the wall for support until it passed an his vision cleared.

Deciding to ignore it for now, he went the rest of the way down and grabbed his shoes from near the door and put them on, then grabbed his car keys and went outside to his car. It was just a little light blue Chevy beater, but it got the job done, even if it rattled all the way down the road.

The young man slipped into the driver's seat and was about to put the key in the ignition when another fog came over his mind that blurred his vision and formed a dull ache in his head. He grimaced, and crossed his arms over the steering wheel and buried his face in the crooks of his elbows. When it cleared up a little to where his head didn't hurt so bad, Hidan glanced up and looked out the windshield as something to do until he felt better, and his attention was momentarily brought to the neighboring house that had a moving van outside of it. He was aware that it had been empty for several months, though didn't know someone was moving into it at the moment. Not that it mattered to him.

Finally after several minutes he felt back to normal, more or less. As he went to start the car though, he realized the key wasn't in his hand anymore, and after glancing around himself found that he'd at some point dropped it on the floor at his feet. He scooped it up and put it in the ignition, though hesitated to turn it.

 _Stupid fucker, you're about ready to fall unconscious from lack of sleep and not eating, and you're getting it a damned car; a potential killing machine?!_

Pushing the cynical, but logical, voice out of his head, Hidan started the car and backed out of the driveway.

* * *

Deidara sighed miserably and glanced at his phone again, though still hadn't gotten a reply from Hidan. "Do you think he's mad at me Danna?"

"He probably didn't even read it," Sasori replied, busy packing a bundle of clothes into his suitcase.

The blonde frowned and looked back at the screen again. "Probably... Are you sure we have to go, un? He needs someone to be here for him..."

Sasori sighed himself and turned to face the sculptor, crossing his arms over his chest. "Look, I know you're worried about him, and I am too, but we don't have a choice here. This is our big chance to make it big in the art community, and if we don't get to that gallery auction, we might not get another chance. We can make a living off doing what we love here, I'm sure Hidan will understand why we're going once he reads that text. Besides, it'll only be for 2 weeks."

Deidara breathed in to try and relax, then nodded. "Alright... You're right... I can still call him if I need to, right?"

"Of course. Now help me pack already. We won't have time to tomorrow if we want to catch our flight."

* * *

It wasn't even halfway through his shift yet when Hidan felt that cloudy sensation in his head again. He'd been able to make the entire drive to the bleak, grey factory he worked at without blacking out, which was a miracle in itself. It was by no means a career for him, but he didn't have the luxury of aiming for the 'perfect job' at them moment. What mattered most was getting a pay check, and keeping a roof over his head and gas in his car.

Not that he got enough salary to pay for the house and all the other bills that came with it. Hell, he hadn't even been able to find an affordable apartment yet, and he hadn't come across a better paying job.

Hidan shook himself from his thoughts and pretended that his vision was clear, picking up another roll of plastic and feeding it into the machine that shaped the thin material into various baggies like you see at stores. What a very underwhelming sense of importance that gave him.

The dull ache in his head didn't clear this time like before and instead got worse, until finally he passed out and his vision went entirely black.

* * *

Hidan opened his eyes slowly to a bright light overhead. He winced and tilted his head to the side to see he was in an empty room, and after a few seconds, he realized it was the small 'nurse's office', which was basically a room that held bandages and the likes for anyone who cut themselves or bang their hands on the equipment.

He sighed and pushed himself into a sitting position, staring at the floor as his head spun at the sudden movement. He stayed like that for several seconds until the door opened and one of his co-workers stepped in. Hidan looked up blearily at him, and he gave a forced smile. "Mr. Garnett wants to see you."

Hidan nodded in understanding, grimacing inwardly. This couldn't end well...

The silver haired man made his way to the boss's office and knocked on the door. When he heard a voice say 'come in' from inside, he opened the door and stepped into the room, fidgeting nervously.

"Please, sit down," Mr. Garnett said, gesturing to a chair across from him on the other side of the desk.

Hidan nodded and mumbled a quiet 'thanks' before taking a seat.

Mr. Garnett took a deep breath before continuing, "That was a very dangerous thing that happened today. You passed out and nearly fell into the equipment. You could have lost your arm or died from that."

Hidan nodded, unable to make eye contact with him.

"I know you're going through a tough time, but I've given you the maximum paid days off that I can.. But you're clearly not ready to be back in work yet."

"You're firing me?" Hidan asked, getting straight to the point.

"As much as I hate to say it Mr. Yu, you're a danger to yourself in your current condition. I won't pry into your life, but you're not capable of working right now. I'd give you more days if I could, but I can't; it's not my decision. I will try to hold off hiring someone to replace you as long as I can, and if you can get yourself together in that time, feel free to come back and I'll rehire you. You must understand I don't want you to get hurt and I don't want a lawsuit against the company either." Mr. Garnett explained.

Hidan nodded, doing his best to act like he didn't care. "Yeah, I get it... That's fine, seriously. I'll try to get things in order..."

"I'm glad you understand. I apologize for this, really. Do you need someone to drive you home?"

"No, I'll be fine. I feel better now." _Lies._

Mr. Garnett didn't look entirely convinced. "You're sure?"

"Yeah, it's no big deal. I drove here just fine. I'll talk to ya later," Hidan told him, turning and leaving the room, and shortly after the building.

He started up the car and drove back to his house in complete silence, doing his best ignore his own thoughts and focus solely on the road. Only once he was safely parked back in his driveway did he let it sink in that he'd just lost his job and only source of income, and the likeliness of getting hired there or somewhere else soon was very unlikely.

Hidan sighed and hit his forehead against the steering wheel in frustration at himself, then dragged himself out of the car, stumbled into his house, going upstairs, and collapsing on his bed, not that he'd be able to sleep.

* * *

It wasn't easy moving into the little, white house on Stoecker Street on his own, but it was a lot easier than moving into an apartment, and the house was a lot bigger than the apartment he was used to, which he was grateful for. The country was a lot quieter and more spacious than the city he was used to. That suited him just fine.

Kakuzu looked out the window when he heard a car pulling into the drive next door, though shrugged it off and went back to unpacking boxes. He was a fairly antisocial person and didn't care much for the thought of meeting all the new people in the neighborhood. As long as they didn't bother him, he was fine with simply acknowledging that they existed without having to interact.

He pulled a picture frame out of a box and frowned, shaking his head. That was a habit he'd need to break though.

Kakuzu put the frame down on a table, the picture itself being of himself, his ex-wife, and his daughter.

The divorce had been difficult and stressful, but it had all turned out well. He was glad to be out of the marriage and to have gotten custody of Midori, though that left him to figure out how to raise a 5 year old on his own. The court had ordered that he would get full custody of her once he'd fully unpacked into the new house and had her enrolled into the local school, then she would be moved to live with him, though for now would stay with her mother.

At first he had been worried about visitation rights since he had heard the company he worked for would be moving to a new state soon, though when visitation had been brought up, Akari had simply given up all custody rights to him. He wasn't sure why, but it made things easier for Midori and himself.

He glanced back out the window at the neighbor's house and sighed.

 _Maybe I should introduce myself at some point... But that's something that can wait until later._


	2. Chapter 2

He wasn't sure what was worse; being startled out of his mind-numb trance to his phone's ringtone or his doorbell being rang every few seconds.

Hidan growled to himself and pulled his pillow over his head to try and block out the constant ringing that demanded he opened the door.

"Deidara and Sasori need to fuck _off_..!" He hissed to himself. "Can't they see I just want to be alone..?"

 _Liar._

After about a minute, silence returned over the house, and Hidan hesitantly lifted the pillow off his head. The doorbell didn't continue.

* * *

"Deidara, stop that."

The blonde continued ringing the doorbell in what Sasori considered to be a bit of a desperate and pathetic way. "Why isn't he answering, un?!"

"I told you before brat, he doesn't want to see us. It's just a side affect of the grief. He'll come around to normal again once it's passed."

Deidara turned on the redhead in frustration, leaving his assault on the little button by the door forgotten for a moment. "How are you so calm about this, yeah?!What if he does something?!"

Sasori sighed. "Look, you know I'm not as close to him as you are, so I can't say I'm as worried to the degree you are about him. But I know him well enough to know he'll make it through this. He's stronger than either of us give him credit for."

"But he's never been through something like this before!" Deidara protested.

"..I know.. But we tried to help him and he keeps pushing us away. If he was going to cave and let us in, he would have by now. This isn't just him being stubborn. For one reason or another, he doesn't want to talk to us, and we should respect that until he decides he's ready."

Deidara's shoulders dropped slightly and he glanced back at the door. "..Yeah, you're right, un.. I hope he'll be okay.."

Sasori placed a hand on his shoulder. "Really, he'll be fine, I promise you. Now come on, we're already pressed for time. We need to go before we miss our flight."

"Okay Danna..." Deidara gave in, following the older artist back towards the car. Just as he was about to get in though, he suddenly seemed to get an idea. "Hang on Danna, I need to try something."

The red head frowned when the blonde suddenly turned away from the car and ran over to the neighbor's house, and he quickly jogged over to give him a look that suggested he thought he was insane. "What do you think you're doing..?"

The younger of the two just grinned at him. "Just watch me, un."

Sasori sighed. Deidara had always been prone to having crazy, spontaneous ideas.

Deidara knocked on the door before Sasori could object and waited for a response, ignoring how Sasori sighed and checked his watch out of paranoia. The red head hated waiting on others and having others wait on him. He had always had a compulsive desire to be early or on time for everything, while Deidara was much more lax about timing and didn't mind being late.

The door opened a few moments later and Sasori couldn't help but let the sadist part of his personality give Deidara a smug look as the blonde's confident smile wavered uneasily.

Even though he found amusement in Deidara's sudden change of attitude, he had to admit that he couldn't blame him for it. The man who opened the door was... _intimidating_ , to say the least. He looked to be around 6 feet tall, had shoulder length black hair, piercing green eyes, and oddly enough, a black bandanna over the lower half of his face.

Deidara was much less calm on the inside then he appeared on the outside. _Holy shit he's tall! And muscular too, that's great! Damn you Sasori for being able to keep a blank look!_

"Can I help you..?" The man finally asked. His voice was deep and slightly muffled by the cloth, but he didn't seem too annoyed or angry, which boosted Deidara's confidence back up. Slightly.

 _Hidan, you owe me for this, yeah..._

The blonde forced away the unnerved look on his face and gave the man his signature Cheshire grin. "Ah, excuse us, but could we ask you a favor, yeah?"

Sasori scowled at Deidara for dragging him into this, but said nothing. He could scold him later.

The man's eyes narrowed slightly. "Depends on the favor..."

"See, we're friends with the guy who lives in that house there, and he's going through a really bad time right now.. He lost his family in a car accident and it's taking its toll on him, un.. We need to go out of state for an important business trip we can't afford to miss for two weeks and can't be here for him, and he hardly ever answers our calls and he wouldn't answer when we were at his door just now. Could you just keep a check on him until we get we get back..? You know, just make sure he's okay..?"

After hesitating for a few moments, he finally nodded. "Alright.. I'll give it a try.."

Deidara looked completely relieved at that. "Thank you, un! My name's Deidara by the way, and this is Sasori."

"I'm Kakuzu."

"Oh! And," Deidara quickly pulled a scrap piece of paper from his pocket and scribbled down a number before handing it to Kakuzu. "There's my cell number, just in case, um, anything does happen..."

Kakuzu took it and nodded in understanding. "Of course..."

"Thank you again," Sasori said, finally speaking up, and trying to lead Deidara away from the door. "But we really do need to get going before we miss our flight."

Once they were back in the car and Sasori started the engine, he sighed. "I can't believe that worked..."

"What can I say Danna? I'm a genius, hm."

* * *

Kakuzu sighed and put the scrap of paper near his calendar where he wouldn't lose it in the mess of half unpacked boxes around the house.

 _I can't believe I agreed to that_...

He supposed it wasn't such a bad thing. He needed an excuse to meet the neighbor eventually anyways and it was probably the right thing to do morally. Normally he wouldn't really care and would never go out of his way to help a stranger, considering it to be none of his concern, but he needed to work on being a better role model now he supposed.

How was he even supposed to check on him every day anyways? He doubted that an introduction of 'Hey, I'm here to make sure you haven't killed yourself yet because your friends you're ignoring told me to' would go over well.

Kakuzu shook his head. He'd just introduce himself for today and figure out what excuse to use to check tomorrow.

 _What a hassle_...

* * *

Hidan growled in frustration when the doorbell rang again, having heard enough of it earlier, though this time it only rang once and went silent.

Not wanting to have a repeat of earlier in case it was still Deidara and Sasori, he dragged himself out of bed and went downstairs to open the door, finding himself very surprised at the stranger that was there.

"Um, can I help you...?"

"My name's Kakuzu Taki. I just moved in next door."

Somewhere in the back of Hidan's mind, he vaguely remembered seeing a moving truck outside the other house and he nodded. "I'm Hidan Yu. Nice to meet you, I guess.." he replied, shifting a little. He already hardly wanted to talk to his best friends, so talking to someone he'd just met made him slightly uncomfortable and annoyed.

Kakuzu seemed to notice and said, "I still have some things to unpack and just thought I'd introduce myself. I should be leaving now."

Hidan felt relieved at that and nodded. "Alright, that's fine.. Maybe we could talk another time when things are a bit better."

Kakuzu gave a slight nod in response to that and turned away to walk back to his house, and Hidan closed the door before scowling at himself. "For fuck's sake, I'm antisocial..."

* * *

A few hours passed since Kakuzu had returned home from meeting Hidan, and he had immediately gone back to unpacking the boxes as he'd said he would. Being a bit of a neat freak, the clutter annoyed him to no end, and he'd have to do it all eventually anyways. The faster it was finished, the better.

He wasn't really sure what he'd been expecting when he was walking over to the house next door, but it wasn't what he'd seen. His messy grey-silver hair was an oddity in itself for being so young, but violet eyes? He wasn't sure that was possible. And he hadn't seemed intimidated in the least unlike his friend had been, more so he just seemed really out of it and like he could hardly make himself care. He supposed grief could do that to people.

Kakuzu was broke from his thoughts when his phone suddenly went off, and he answered it. "Hello?"

"Is this the Taki residence?" The voice on the other line asked.

He recognized the voice of his lawyer instantly. "Yes, this is. What is it Itachi?"

"Just checking in. How are you settling in?"

"Well enough. I'm mostly done with unpacking essentials, though it's not easy by myself."

Itachi made a noise of agreement. "I can only imagine. If you think you're ready, I can have Midori sent over to you. If she's put on a plane early tomorrow, she could be to you tomorrow evening."

Kakuzu blinked in surprise. "Really? Would you?"

"Of course," Itachi said. "The faster she's settled in, the better. You'll have to be sure your house is in a livable condition for her and get her enrolled in school as soon as you can though."

"Other than some boxes, the house is in good condition, and I'd be willing to get in touch with the local school tomorrow."

"Alright then, it's settled. I hope things work out for you there."

"I do too, Itachi.."

"Then I'll see you tomorrow at the airport."

Itachi hung up after that, and Kakuzu put the phone back on the receiver. Things finally seemed to be going well for a change.


	3. Chapter 3

After waking up at 4 in the morning to get ready for the hour and a half long drive to the airport, waiting another hour for the plane to finally land, and another 45 minutes of finding Itachi and Midori in the crowd, packing the luggage into the trunk of the car, and a brief exchange of words with the lawyer, Kakuzu was finally in the front seat of his car with Midori safely in a car seat behind him, relieved to be out of the over populated social hell hole that was the airport. Itachi had said her flight would get her there in the evening, but due to hectic schedules and an unexpected flight cancelation, he'd called early that morning to inform he had to get her a much, much earlier plane or wait nearly a week to get the next earliest flight headed to his state.

Kakuzu glanced at the time on the car's radio, grimacing at seeing it was already nearly 8 o'clock and they still had the hour and a half drive home, where as soon as he got there he'd have to get in contact with local school to get Midori enrolled, as well as begin unpacking her stuff as well as the rest of his things, and... Well, it was all certainly overwhelming to say the least. He didn't know the first thing of taking care of a kindergartener by himself, and he began to think he should have waited a while longer before having her move over to him, but the sooner she arrived, the sooner he could get used to having her as part of his new daily routine.

He looked up into the rear view mirror when he reached a red light, glad to see she was busying herself by holding an imaginary conversation with two of her stuffed animals. He knew he would have to eventually, since she would certainly ask, but the longer he could put off explaining to her about the divorce and why she'd had to move the better. He wasn't the best with sugar coating or telling half truths. He was a bit too blunt and cynical to be able to deal with a child's fragile sense of innocence, and he would never know just what parts of the reality of the divorce he should tell her about.

Once they finally arrived at their destination, Kakuzu moved all the boxes into a room on the left side of the house that he'd reserved for Midori.

"Midori, I need you to stay in your room for a bit. I need to contact the school so you can start attending class here, alright? You can start unpacking some of the boxes if you want." Kakuzu told her, picking up his cell phone and flipping through the pages of the phonebook to find the appropriate number.

"But I want to play outside.." She whined, looking out the living room window in what looked like awe. which he guessed he could understand; they'd lived in New York City before, and a yard wasn't something that was all that available to them. Sure, they'd had a nearby park, but it's not quite the same as owning your very own plot of land.

"Not now, alright? You're not allowed out by yourself and I can't go with you at the moment. Now go to your room."

Midori sighed dramatically and trudged off to her room, closing the door behind her. Kakuzu shook his head, finally finding the number he needed and dialed it in. Oh how he was dreading the teen years...

* * *

Hidan swore he was going to smash his phone with a hammer if he woke up to that cheery ringing one more god damned time. It was a true struggle not to sound too angry when he picked up the call and heard Deidara on the other line.

"Hey Hidan, what's up?"

"You just woke me up. _Again,_ might I add." He replied dryly, glaring at the ceiling. "What do you want?"

"I was just checking in, hm. You feeling any better?"

Inwardly, Hidan wanted to laugh bitterly and tell him just how absolutely _awful_ he was doing, that he felt worse _every single day_ that passed, but he stopped himself. Deidara was his best friend and was only trying his best to help, and Hidan knew he hadn't exactly been letting him or treating him well. He at least owed him something for that, right? A little lie never hurt, did it?

"Yeah, actually. I feel a little a better today."

 _No I'm not._

"That's great! I was getting really worried about you, that maybe you wouldn't recover.."

 _I haven't._

"I thought maybe I wouldn't either."

 _The guilt and hurt is worse than ever._

"Just try to hold on until me and Sasori get back from our trip, okay?"

 _It's still killing me._

"Sure, no problem, seriously."

 _I wish you were here with me now._

"You've been eating too, right?"

 _Even though I pushed you away._

"Of course I have been."

 _Liar._

"That's good! Oh, Danna says we have to go for something now..."

 _Please stay._

"Then go. I'll be fine, really."

 _It hurts so much to be alone like this._

"Well, if you're sure.. I'll call you back as soon as I get the chance! Take care of yourself, yeah?"

 _I can't hang on like this._

"I will. Now go already, or you'll be late."

 _Make things better._

"Bye Hidan!"

 _Help me._

Hidan hit the end call button without replying. He was worried maybe he'd let one of those phrases slip and then Deidara would know how bad things were right now; that he was this weak and vulnerable and dependent. It was just easier this way.

Only after sitting up and blinking a few times did he realize his cheeks were weak and his eyes were watery. Shaking his head, he wiped his eyes, about to just curl up under the blankets again as if it would keep him safe, only to see hear the ding that signified a text.

Picking his hone back up and looking at the notification made him wince.

 _Dei-chan: Try going for a walk. Fresh air and sun will help! :)_

Going outside was the last thing he wanted, but lying to him over the call had guilt gnawing at his conscious, so he supposed a short walk down to the local park couldn't hurt, right? And maybe eating a granola bar would help clear some of the shame in his mind.

Sighing, he changed out of his pajamas and into jeans and a long sleeved shirt, even if the weather was still very warm for Fall weather, then wandered down the stairs and into the kitchen, grabbing a granola bar like he'd planned, shoving it in his pocket for once he'd gotten to the park. He steeled his nerves when he reached the front door, finding he felt oddly uneasy to go outside yet compelled to at the same time.

Shaking his head in mild bewilderment, Hidan opened the door and walked out onto the porch, wincing at the bright sun rays that momentarily blinded him. Once he adjusted to the lighting, he made his way down the walk way to the driveway, frowning when he noticed a little girl of only five or six in the neighbor's front yard by herself.

He glanced around to see if any of her parents were out with her, though didn't notice anything other than the single open window, which had even the screen pushed all the way up.

Hidan hesitated, unsure if he should do something about it since she'd clearly snuck out by herself, though his mind was quickly made up when he noticed her eyes seem to fixate on something across the road, and she began approaching the black pavement obliviously and no signs of caution. He'd only taken a few strides toward the other yard when the familiar rumble of a semi engine started in the distance and was getting louder at an alarming rate, though the tree line near the road hid it from sight.

The next several heartbeats seemed blurred and distant, almost dreamlike as she finally reached the road and looked up at the oncoming vehicle. It was even like that when Hidan grabbed the back of her shirt and yanked, pulling her close and turning so his body was between her and the danger. The universe only gained a sense of reality again when the wind kicked up from the truck died down and he looked down at the girl with her black hair in disarray and green eyes wide in shock.

The road was empty now, and anger boiled up inside him, replacing the previous fear.  
 _  
The fucker didn't even stop..._

Shoving the homicidal thoughts away, he crouched down to be eyelevel with the girl and asked in an awkward attempt to comfort her, "You okay..?"

She nodded mutely, too stunned for words, though at least didn't look like she was only seeing headlights anymore.

"That's good.. You shouldn't be out playing by the road like that... Cars are dangerous, seriously..."

She simply nodded again, and Hidan stood with a sigh. "Come on... You should go back inside..." He said, leading her back to her front door.

* * *

Kakuzu had just hung up the phone when he heard knocking on his door. Mildly irritated but wondering who the hell it could be, he answered it, and was surprised to see Midori and the neighbor [Hidan something, wasn't it?] on the porch looking like they'd just stepped out of a tornado.

"Uh, your kid was playing by the road..." Hidan said in a weak attempt to break the tense, awkward silence, scratching the back of his neck nervously.

"What..?! But, I would have seen her leave-"

"Window..."

Kakuzu groaned and made a mental note to put child proof safety locks on all the windows. Just another thing on his ever growing list.

"Thank you for stopping her and bringing her back.." Kakuzu said as Midori slunk into the house, shoulders slumped and her head down.

"No problem.. Just, be careful.. The speed limit here's not exactly the lowest and the road can get pretty busy during the day..."

"Will do... Would you like to come in for a moment or-"

"No. that's fine!" Hidan replied quickly, cutting him off. "You're probably really busy moving in and stuff, I mean..." He added, trying to cover up lamely for his sharp interruption, looking slightly embarrassed for the outburst.

"..Alright.. But if you need anything, you can just ask.."

"Alright, if you say so.. But I should, uh, get going now.." Hidan told him, taking a step back and nearly slipping down the steps. "Um, bye!" And with that, he turned tail and retreated for his house, not feeling up to taking the walk and having the possibility of more forced social interactions after that mess.

Kakuzu simply blinked after him. _He's obviously socially inept..._ Shaking his head in bemusement, he closed the door and mentally prepared the not-too-strict-or-mean scolding he had to give to Midori.


	4. Chapter 4

The next two days passed without incident. He could say with some degree of truthfulness that he felt better when Deidara called. He could only guess saving that girl's life had cleared a small amount of his guilty conscious.

Hidan was grateful for the bit of rest and recuperation; he needed it. The guilt came back with a vengeance the next day. Nothing good ever lasts, after all.

He woke with the vision of headlights burned into his retinas. Even after he'd left his bed and wandered the empty halls of his house for ten minutes, he still had the pinpoints of imaginary light in front of his eyes.

Only after nearly tripping down the stairs did he realize it was still dark out; it was only 4:27.

No wonder Deidara hadn't called yet. It had slipped his mind entirely.

He had no idea what he should do until then, or after for that matter. But he'd worry about that later.

At least his vision was mostly cleared.

He must have blanked out for a while, because the next time he looked at the clock [he swore it had only been a few minutes in between], it was already 5:48. That was fine though. It was less time he had to worry about.

The time it took to reach 8 in the morning dragged on unbearably slow and really Hidan wasn't sure how he survived it with his sanity [if you could call his current state of mind 'sane'], but he did make it nonetheless and was actually relieved when Deidara called. It would distract him, even if only for a few minutes.

"Hey," Hidan greeted the blonde after picking up on the first ring.

"Hey, hm. You're up early. Is everything alright?"

He sounded worried. Hidan grimaced. He hated himself for making Deidara be concerned for someone like himself. He'd always hated it.

"Yeah, I'm fine, seriously. How's everything going with you and Sasori?" It was easy to act like nothing was bothering him. He'd had plenty of practice throughout highschool, and he supposed it paid off. Really, it was a lot easier to tell Deidara what he wanted to hear than the truth. Besides, Deidara deserved it for the hell Hidan had put him through over the years. After all, Deidara had always pretended to be fine for him back then; it was definitely time to repay the favor.

"Everything's going great! The guy's here are really liking our takes on art and I think they're going to invest in us."

Hidan couldn't help but smile faintly. The blonde's energy and excitement when he talked about art was contagious, even if you didn't care much about art, which Hidan didn't. He wondered if he should look into it more. It would mean the world to Deidara. He didn't bother following that train of thought very long. He'd find a way to screw that up too, huh? He always did.

"That's great; bastards would have to be blind to turn you away. You've always had talent for sculpture."

Deidara snorted. "You flatter me. Since when do you compliment so readily? And show interest in Danna too, no less?"

"I'm feeling gracious today," Hidan replied smoothly, idly drumming his fingers on the arm of the chair he was in.

 _I should have told you these things years ago. But I was selfish, and now it's too late to tell you most of them. It would ruin our friendship completely. You're beautiful, you're an amazing person, you bring out the better side of me, you make me feel like maybe I'm okay, I'm so lucky to have you-_

But alas, it was much too late to say any of those things, and really it was for the best in the end. If he had, Deidara might not have been so willing to agree they weren't working out, and he wouldn't have been able to be with Sasori. Hidan knew Deidara would have kept himself from his own happiness for his sake, so he was relieved that he'd come to his senses enough to let him go. He cared for the blonde deeply, yes, but it hadn't been in that way. He'd only asked him to be his because he was selfish and possessive, and was terrified at the thought that he might lose him to someone better. Someone like Sasori. Deidara was his only lifeline in highschool ever since 'the incident', and Hidan would have been entirely lost if Deidara had left him. But he was a truly loyal friend, and stuck by his side after he become very attached to Sasori and even after they graduated. Grateful didn't even begin to convey his feelings for all Deidara had done for him.

Hidan was broken from his reminiscing when he heard Deidara say, "Well, I need to go for now, but I'll call you tomorrow. Just hold out a bit longer, yeah? We'll be back in a few days. Try to get some fresh air if you can; it'll help."

"Yeah, alright. I'll do that. I needed something to do today anyways."

After exchanging farewells, he hung up and glanced out the window. The sun was beginning its climb over the horizon and it was fairly bright out, but it was still cool and probably dewy out, and he figured it was too early to go for a walk in the park because of that. He didn't really care for the cold and would rather wait until the sun's heat had strengthened. If he was going to go through the effort of leaving his house, he might as well make sure it's pleasant.

To fill the house with some sort of sound, he turned on the television and decided to just have it on for background noise. He couldn't really care enough to bother himself with paying attention to the electronic.

It was on the news channel, which was fine for a while, though he soon felt himself getting more and more sick to his stomach the longer he watched. A house had burned down and a family lost everything. A missing child alert. A memorial being held for fallen soldiers in an overseas battle. A robbery. A killer on the loose. A teenager committed suicide. A car crash on the highway-

He drew the line there and quickly changed the channel to something, _anything_ else. Honestly, he didn't need the added depression in his life over things he had no control over.

The random channel he'd flipped to in his panic to escape the thoughts in his head turned out to be a children's cartoon channel. The show playing was familiar and he recognized it immediately, though he'd never bothered to learn its name. It was full of bright colors, princesses, unicorns, rainbows, and anything else mind numbingly sweet and innocent you could think of. An image of the door upstairs with the butterfly stickers and a neat, cursive door sign reading 'Yukiko' came to mind and a wave of nausea hit him.

His immediate response was to change it again, or even turn the TV off and try to shove away any memories that came to mind, but after a moment he couldn't help but think the familiar sights and sounds gave him some form of comfort, despite the panic and sharp, jabbing pains in his heart it caused. He just couldn't find it in him to turn it off and escape into his usual denial when anything of the subject was brought up. And really, he had a feeling that he would feel even worse than he did now if he were to remove the noise.

 _It's alright, I can just pretend this is a normal day before it all happened and she's okay, she's okay. I can tell myself that for now until I'm ready to heal.._

* * *

Soon it was noon and Hidan knew he shouldn't put off going outside any longer. He threw on a black hoodie over his T-shirt [ever since he stopped eating well, his body couldn't heal the scars as fast as it used to which was a total _bitch_ ] and walked out the door, pausing on the porch to try and block the sun's harsh rays that he had become very unaccustomed to in his new hermit-like lifestyle with his hand. It took a minute or two, but finally the light became bearable and he started down the driveway to the gravel shoulder of the road. He followed along side the pavement and tensed each time a car passed, expecting each one to purposely turn off their course and run him down. He knew that was absolutely ridiculous and that he was just being paranoid, but it didn't calm his hyperactive nerves any. He supposed if he hadn't ran out of medicine for his schizophrenia a few days ago, he could have taken that and been fine, but really that was just too much of a bother to get the prescription refilled.

Luckily the park wasn't very far, only about a five or ten minute walk, and he was able to relax much more once away from the black death strip he'd come to loathe.

Hidan walked the paths for a while, but once they began to get what he considered crowded, he found a nice secluded birch tree and sat down at it's roots, leaning back against a fairly smooth patch in the bark of the trunk, settling for observing the other people enjoying the park. A pair of young women jogging, a mother with a stroller, a man and his girlfriend, an elderly couple throwing breadcrumbs to the local birds... They all seemed content and happy with themselves, and for once Hidan didn't feel seething jealousy toward them. He simply felt detached and distant, cold even despite his jacket and the sun shining in a dappled pattern on his skin through the tree leaves. He felt like he was in his own world, on another plane of existence where he could look into these humans lives without being noticed. It made him feel alien, and he had the overbearing sensation he didn't belong. It heightened the sense of loneliness he'd been carrying with him for so many days even further.

 _Maybe coming here wasn't such a good idea_ , Hidan mused, though shook his head bitterly. _I'm just looking to far into it. Since when have I ever been one to overthink things? Seriously, I'm being such a pussy_..

He remained in his silent observing post for nearly 15 more minutes before he started feeling too uncomfortable with the isolation and decided to head home. He'd stayed until he'd felt the beginnings of a panic attack; that couldn't be called not trying. He could be satisfied knowing he'd filled some nonexistent quota.

The exercise had done him well, he realized when he was climbing the stairs of his porch. He actually felt genuinely hungry for the first time in, well, quite a while. That meant progress of some sort, right? His mood elevated ever so slightly.

That didn't last long however as when he tried to turn the door knob, it stayed firmly in place. He must have absently locked it on his way out. And after a quick pat down of his pockets, he groaned at realizing he hadn't brought a key with him.

 _Stupid, stupid, stupid..._

Hidan leaned back against the door and slid down to a sitting position, not having the heart to try and think of a solution at the moment, opting for brooding and cursing himself instead.

* * *

Kakuzu took a deep breath in order to assure his voice remained calm. "Midori, puppy eyes aren't going to get you anywhere.. You know I'm very busy at the moment, so _please_ just go play in your room.."

She had been staring at him for the past ten minutes and it was really starting to get on his nervous. However, after being informed her plans of getting her father's attention were foiled, she huffed dramatically and stomped off to her room.

Kakuzu had been careful to keep the doors locked and had child proofed her windows since the incident a few days ago. He was confident there was nothing the girl could get into to cause more mischief.

* * *

Midori paced her room in aggravation at being denied her wishes. After pacing did nothing to sure her boredom, she sat down in the middle of her new room that was almost all the way unpacked and sulked. That did little to appease her too, she soon found out.

She wandered around her room looking for a toy or game that would be entertaining enough to hold her over until Kakuzu finished his work, but nothing caught her eye at the moment. She tried the window, but despite all of her 5 year old will and might, the glass pane didn't budge an inch thanks to the new lock on it that was much too far out of her reach.

Midori returned to the center of her room to begin a new plot.

For her age, Midori was very advanced at problem solving, and her stubborn nature only made it all the worse. She didn't stop trying at something until she accomplished what she had been aiming for.

Getting an idea, she stood back up and went to her door, cautiously opening it as silently as she could and glancing around for signs of Kakuzu. When he was nowhere in sight, she slipped out of the bedroom and eased the door shut, then crept off toward the bathroom, closing the door behind herself. Taking a quick look around, she instantly saw her target. The window. This one without a safety lock.

Midori grinned at her own genius.

Bingo.

* * *

20 minutes later and Hidan was still no closer to solving his current issue of being locked out of his own house. Mostly because he hadn't been trying. Okay, entirely because he hadn't been trying. But really, it was just too much of a bother for his exhausted mind at the moment. Besides, logic and problem solving were never his strong points.

So he spent the time flicking stones and pine needles off his porch instead of thinking like any normal person would do.

Besides, other than exhaustion and his own personal mental flaws, he could blame the fact that he was starving and still had remnants of his paranoia at mind instead of his own ineptness. Though both of those scapegoat excuses were his own fault. He hadn't eaten before leaving, and in his foggy memory he couldn't quite remember eating yesterday or the day before, and he could have easily gone to the pharmacy to refill his medicine, but had chosen not to. He hated taking the medicine, and there wasn't exactly anyone around to make him take it.

A shadow fell over him then, and he assumed the once-perfect, cloudless sky had been tainted by a puff of white and had hidden away the sun, though that thought was quickly dismissed when he heard a high-pitched voice ask,

"Whatcha doin'?"

Hidan raised his head and blinked at the little dark haired girl that stood in front of him and immediately recognized her as the neighbor's daughter that he'd saved just a couple days prior. He hadn't even heard her approach.

Realizing she was still looking at him expectantly for an answer, he shrugged weakly. "I locked myself out of the house."

"Why are you just sitting here then?"

He wasn't sure how to answer, so he just stared at her blankly.

Midori just pressed further. "Did you give up?"

Her words echoed oddly in his head, and he grimaced. He _had_ given up, and on much more than just trying to get back into his house.

"Yeah, I guess I did."

"Do you need help?"

And there was that word again. _Help._ It rang through his head a lot anymore. He never said it out loud.

Before he could answer, she pointed at something over his shoulder. "Just climb in there. 's'what I do."

Hidan glanced over his shoulder to see she was pointing at a window, and realized that it wouldn't be too difficult to climb through. He looked back at her and smiled, and it didn't feel forced, though it wasn't exactly natural either. "Thanks. But you should really be going home now. I'm sure your father's worried about you. You shouldn't sneak out of the house like this at your age."

Midori looked a bit crestfallen, but nodded in acceptance. She was well aware of that fact. She perked up again soon after though and waved to him cheerily before starting to bounce down the stairs.

He shook his head in bemusement and started to stand up, though felt a wave of dizziness hit him like a tidal wave, no doubt from low blood sugar. His vision swam with colors for a moment before the creeping blackness at the edges caved in, and he passed out.


End file.
